Graduating...............& Self-introspection

Time flies.

Again, at a stage where I have to make a few decisions and some my destiny will make for me. It is always hard for me to break out of the "inertia" and accept uncertainty with confidence and hope. I do not know why my head always fears the worst, I am trying hard to shut out that voice which keeps telling me "what if this too doesn't happen the way you want it to".

My mom always tells me to sing to myself "count your blessings" when in doubt. But I have always found myself doing otherwise. I always tend to keep with me all the bad memories and easily forget the nice things that happen to me. I need to change, I know. I dont like troubling myself with those negative voices either.

I am learning, trying to make a change in me. And it is happening, very slowly but something is changing for sure. Its been a few weeks since I am in this "self-improvisation" mode. I do not know, but its been crazy how once after the other realizations are setting in , I guess I am growing up .. finally.. :)

Some MAJOR things I learnt about myself:

a) I am stubborn. Till my own reasoning falls through no one on the face of earth can convince me, whatever the matter be. I should not do that always. I mean it is one thing to believe in whatever you do and another thing to be so stuck on your beliefs that accepting or even listening to another opinion seems sinful. It blocks you from your own good. If u suffer from this disorder too... get rid of it ASAP.

b) I do not know how to stay in touch with people, Its not that I do not remember them . I do , i miss family, friends. But i do not express it , i do not know why . I guess , I am just plain lazy or may be I just prefer talking face to face , than phone or e-mail .

Mixed Blood.....

I am sure there are a lot of people out there, wondering like me where exactly do we "fit in". I am a malayali by birth , with a Christian mother and a Hindu father , born and brought up in Gujarat. Trust me , "fitting in " becomes an issue anywhere I go. I have to make an extra effort to learn some language, some custom , "getting along"has never come naturally or easily to me.

Sometimes I feel it is a blessing, I got a chance to feel two different religions as well as two different life styles closely. I got the privilege to get the best , even compare different beliefs. People like me , invariably grow beyond these boundaries of faith. I am sure it made me a more mature person and helped me in not becoming any "typical" kind.

On the other hand, it is hard to find people of my own kind.. :) because I don't really have a defined "kind" in the first place. When I try to analyse myself as a person , there is such a compound mixture, that to find people who I can relate to becomes difficult. I sometimes feel life and choosing friends would have been a lot easier , had I been a typical malayali or typical anti-mallu or may be a staunch Hindu.I feel ,then I would have fallen in some general category and finding like people would be simpler....

This trail of thoughts hits me almost everyday , when I am talking/ enjoying / may be working in a group. And I find myself wondering "hey I am not like these people either :)." I believe I am not alone, i guess people like me, the "confused" kind is now vast enough to form an independent kind of its own.

I am not happy with being a confused person. It wont be nice to have a world with people like me, we are like water , we mould ourselves differently at different times.